Combat Veterans Learn To Cope With Survivor's Guilt Over The Holidays

Combat veterans and their loved ones are reminding people the holidays can be a time that triggers painful emotions for some families but a military family in Oologah wants to share their message of hope.

The Coffman's said there's purpose in your pain and several support groups out there that can help you process survivor's guilt.

"It's does not take away the pain. It doesn't make the pain any easier, but there's always purpose in the pain. You are here for a purpose. You've experienced what you've experienced for a purpose, and we may not know that now but through that, not being alone, finding your community of people who will hold you up. Everything that you have done is not in vain and there is a purpose," said Kortney Coffman.

Veterans may be welcomed home followed by sleepless nights and fun activities that no longer feel the same.

"You go someplace where your life is put on the line every day and some of us got to come back," said Wesley Coffman. "When you serve with a group of people whether you know them all or not, the situations you're put in, in combat brings you closer than you've ever been."

Wesley Coffman joined the Army right out of high school and served overseas.

"To me there's no greater honor than to serve your country," said Wesley Coffman.

He spent many holidays far from home.

"I celebrated the 4th of July in the middle of the desert in Africa. It was always one of my family's biggest holidays... it was lonely," said Wesley Coffman.

But at least he made it back which is more than some can say. Many combat veterans suffer from survivor's guilt, but it's often heightened over the holidays or during celebrations.

"Why am I allowed, and they're not? Why do I get to celebrate her birthday? My brothers don't," said Wesley Coffman. "Hard to see families enjoying themselves sometimes knowing that there's some who can't because either they lost someone very close or lost a loved one. It makes it extremely hard. It's hard to see that. Personally, that's one of my worst things is seeing people not being able to enjoy life like the used to."

Coffman said everyone copes differently. Many are depressed, some self-medicate or drink until their numb.

"A lot of isolation. A lot of anger. It's just hard to deal with. Hard to talk about," said Wesley Coffman.

His wife Kortney said showing up and providing stability is crucial.

"You know they're heroes when they're overseas serving our country. They are heroes when they come home, but when they have a bad moment, they are no longer heroes," said Kortney Coffman.

She said it's important to keep in mind that veterans are human just like the rest of us and should be given some extra grace.

The Coffman's said you can celebrate the memory of those who made the ultimate sacrifice by starting a tradition in their honor.

"You know the sacrifice that they made, the sacrifice that you made. Don't ever. Don't ever stop," said Wesley Coffman.

"It's Christmas time of year. It's about joy; it's about hope, and I don't think it's any more fitting than coming up on Christmas, the whole reason of Christmas is hope. You are not alone. You're not," said Kortney Coffman. "If they were into baking cookies you know bake cookies in their honor or whatever that keeps their memory alive cause the fact is if they were here and if they could talk to you one on one, if you had that one more day, that one more moment, it would be 'keep living your life,' so that's what we want to do."

As for those still serving, like their middle child who is in the Marine Corps and can't come home for Christmas, they say "thank you."

Wesley and Kortney Coffman started their own Combat Veteran's Support Group. They meet every Wednesday night at 7 in Collinsville and welcome any combat veteran, as well as their spouse and older children.

Address for support group: 927 Main Street, Collinsville, OK.